We zoom in from space to “the most treacherous desert in the world.” The zebras and solitary giraffe makes it African. The narrator has a deep voice; I’m pissed off already.
Haha: there’s an elephant forming an ‘S’ with its trunk. Maybe it’s an ‘S’ for ‘Sweet Movie.’
Why did we have Geography in High School? We should have just watched this informative film instead.
Apparently, Man needs water to survive… Oh no, wait, there are gay midgets everywhere.
They aren’t midgets at all. Turns out they’re Bushmen, and they know about nature and stuff. So jealous!
This narrator is one crazy sonofabitch.
Update: “It’s a desert that doesn’t look like a desert.”
Survival note to self: look for dry twigs sticking out of the sand, might have water tumour attached to roots.
Oh crap there’s a cobra. I hope it doesn’t- JESUS FUCK THAT LITTLE GUY DONE AN’ KILLED IT!
They say the skin’s good for everyday use, but they don’t go into detail.
btw DID YOU SEE HOW THAT LITTLE GUY DONE AN’ KILLED THAT SNAKE? THAT SHIT’S PRIMAL!
They all live in small families. They look like baboons.
Dear Antelope: SOZ BRO! MAN’S GOTTA EAT!
omg it’s Joburg. ‘Sup?
The narrator says the people in the Checkers are “civilised.” (Sarcasm noted).
Cool car. Oh wait, it turned into a joke. Car transforms... into a joke (Transformers ref.)
Olivia Newton John’s career certainly has taken a slump.
Haha: “maybe they can use me.” I bet they can, Olivia Newton John.
Plane drops bottle. Littering is bad.
I bet if it wasn’t a Coca-Cola bottle it wouldn’t make such a cool noise.
Something about the Gods, all crazy and whatnot.
It really does make a cool noise.
Haha: “It had the right shape and just the right weight. It was also beautifully smooth
Actually, cancel the previous one: “It was harder and heavier and smoother than anything they’d ever known.” This shit’s golden!
Now all these dudes want to do is own something. I see where this is going…
OH NO SHE DIDN’T?!!?!
She totally did. Click click.
Fact: it takes mankind 11 minutes 52 seconds to get from familiar paradise to Jerry Springer. I can see the headline already: “Bushman attacks daughter with glass bottle, blames it on God.”
It’s turned into Survivor. They’re sitting around a campfire. I hope they vote off the old guy who got his thumb stuck in the Coke bottle. I mean, that’s pretty retarded right? Who does that? He’ll probably win the damn show- the kids like him too much. Morons.
Coke: Outta sight outta mind.
BATHROOM BREAK AT 12:53, HYENA MAKES ITS DEBUT.
(First carnivore sighted!)
Okay so I’m gonna lay this out straight: The hyena smells the blood on the Coca-Cola bottle and digs it up, presumably to serenade it and take it to bed, but alas! a wild pack of warthogs appear and chase the hyena off! Hooray.
(Oh, and the Coke bottle was dropped)
Guess who found it again? Yeah, that’s right.
They wanna get rid of da evil ting by throwin’ it off da End of da Earth.
Distance to End o’ da Earth - 20 DAYS PERHAPS 40 (guy starts walking tomorrow)
His kid doesn’t stop crying. That shit’s messed up.
Okay not in the bushveld anymore, somewhere in parliament…
Best gunfight ever at 16:13. Did they use Microsoft Paint?
Jesus Christ! Is that Forest Whitaker I see? And why is Danny Glover on the floor, dying?
Shit’s getting militant, they’re taking them to… the helicopter!
Okay admittedly it’s a pretty impressive helicopter.
Look at that thing gyrate!
Scene change: rebel base.
Haha: Eugene Guevara is present.
Another gunfight! It relies on slapstick humour involving bananas; one guy already slipped up. (Pun)
The rebels destroy the Death Star.
Jamie Uys is a visionary, he’s bringing Chaplin back. It’s great.
Side story: a baboon steals Bushman’s bottle. They have an earnest conversation about consumerism. Baboon feels bad, hands bottle over.
Guys, ONJ just gave Botswana the thumbs-up, the all-clear. (She approves)
Now they’re previewing the guy she’s gonna fall in love with.
The priest is gay.
He is also manipulative.
John Travolta makes a cameo appearance. (30:47)
There is a goat on the roof of a bus. Is this India? No wait, I see Olivia Newton again.
Where’s John T. now, bitch?
Huge Chaplin scene 33:something involving a Land Rover that can’t stop. The baboon watches, finally understanding the Bushman’s talk on consumerism.
Eugene and his entourage are stealing stuff.
White guy meets ONJ, nervously greets her; fucks it up. Note the flaccid tree next to her.
White guy’s name is Andrew
Haha: petrol jockey says he is “too sorry.” (It’s a good line)
They’re “noticing” things.
She’s wearing white and her nipples are all wet.
Tarzan and Jane reference. Lame.
Okay so the Rhino is Smokey the Bear. Rhinos kill fires. Rhinos do that, believe it.
No means yes.
The acting and action sequences is very similar to the early Star Wars. My money’s on Olivia Newton being Andrew’s sister, or cousin.
Landy in the air.
Man kneels, obviously Man smokes pipe, says: “aiyaiyai.”
This movie is racist.
Bushman meets whiteys. He has a complex, wishes upon White Supremacy.
More giraffes. Olivia’s a spoiled bitch.
Great scene at 1:00:34, where the furry Arab-like guy walks from his tractor to Andrew’s Land Rover on a desert plain. The vehicles are in motion.
Haha: “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
(ONJ left with some other jock earlier. Was that important?)
The village Olivia is scheduled to teach at sings Shozoloza as a welcoming song. They all wave at her. It looks like the Transkei.
Furry Arab guy is a PLAYAAA!!! (7 wives)
Bushman just PWNED a goat.
HOLY MOTHERFUCK THEY JUST SHOT THE POOR BASTARD!!
Shame: “He smiled at them in greeting, but nobody returned it.” (Bushman in court)
PLOT TWIST: Bushman’s in jail and Arab guy lived in the desert, knows stuff.
They rescue him, legally (lame). It’s a beautiful prison.
Bushman works for Andrew (This was pre-1994).
Okay they’re tracking a kudu now…
Seriously? A WILD LION APPEARS!! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, SECOND CARNIVORE!
They’re safe, but what’s hapenning back at camp?
What’s this? Eugene has taken Olivia N.J. Hostage!
Yoh! Gun to the face much?!
Negotiation in progress,,,
Oh, Andrew and co. are going someplace. Arab taught Bushman how to drive.
Bushman got skills yo!
Elsewhere there’s panic. A fat woman just ran down the road with a goat.
Hostages are supposed to be like (circle), but they be all (square). It’s fine though.
It is a big village (1:23:15)
Everybody moves like it’s a MMORPG. lol.
BATHROOM BREAK AT 1:24:25, ANDREW IS SCALING A LARGE
Okay, so obviously the (square) of hostages have walked to Namibia.
ANDREW’S GOT A FUCKING MISSILE LAUNCHER!
Correction: Andrew’s got a fucking telescope.
They see an army truck etc.
Olivia Newton John is complaining again. Jesus!
Spotted! A (square) [the hostages]
Star Wars reference! “That’s no picnic… those kids are hostages!” (sic: “that’s no moon…”)
Darth Vader sleeps, two stormtroopers wander off. Princess Leia seems anxious.
Damn stormtroopers are playing cards.
BUSHMAN PULLS IT OFF AS A BADASS ASSASSIN!
The musical score becomes comically sleepy coz the guards are poisoned bro.
Click click. Click click Land Rover.
Olivia Newton is telling small black children what to do. Run away, kids! Run!
The (square) disperses! Some dumbshit accidentally shoots the ground with a gun. Run!
The two stormtroopers, alerted, run back and shoot at the kids...
Olivia Newton just went ape shit on their asses!
At 1:37:30 Andrew and Arab run into the stormtroopers’ line of fire. They shoot; guess what the gunshots sound like? That’s right: blasters, and these blasters aren’t set to stun…
I get it now! The bushman is Yoda. Sneaky sneaky, Jamie Uys!
Survival note: there is a certain type of cactus, when cut open, which secretes a juice, that makes anything it touches completely stupid and ridiculous.
Lotsa boring stuff happens and everything is fine now.
Yoda gives thanks, leaves.
Andrew gets philosophical.
“IT’S REALLY ONLY A PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENON”
Andrew gets desperate (Update)
Andrew gets stupid, Olivia N “noticed.”
HOLY SHIT IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!
Andrew gets lucky, Arab watches.
Bushman finds da End o’ da Earth. Great shot at 1:47:40
Coke bottle made a cool noise on exit.
Okay, Bushman’s at home…
Credits?! It’s the end?
Thank you Jamie Uys ( I gotta pay my respects)
Best Star Wars Tribute Film ever.
Special Effects: Paul Ballinger. Guy’s a visionary. District 9, eat your heart out.